You can

The nights are getting colder, this means another summer is over and another year went by. I have been so stumped by all my problems that I have forgotten to address you, my readers. Maybe tonight is the night I think about something else, someone else, because it is so hard to think about my life.

Bear with me here. Wherever you are, if it is night or day, I will paint you a word picture. You can read this, then close your eyes and see it in your mind. Take a deep breath. Silence off your mind. There is nothing around you, there is no one except you. Can you hear your breath? Can you feel the air going through your nose to your lungs? Really concentrate on that. I know how I always keep explaining how the walls are closing, but that is only for me, you are in the endless space, somewhere where you have beautiful memories. You are alone, there is no time there, the sun is pleasant and warm. The wind is just a light breeze. It is still summer and you have endless possibilities. You can do anything, go anywhere, be with anyone. Take this time to just enjoy. Enjoy the world of your creation. Allow random thoughts into your mind but don’t hold on to them, it is great to have them, but it is even better to let them go. Feel how your body has relaxed for the time being and forget all your worries, whatever you are doing.

You can do anything! You can

Lucky

I am depressed. Severely or not, I don’t know. My feelings are all over the place. Or are they? Sometimes it hurts or I really want it to hurt, but I cannot feel a thing. Sometimes it does hurt and some lost tears roll on my cheeks, the pain stops. I feel lost… Actually, I don’t feel anything and I don’t want anything anymore. Not even peace and silence. This is the point where I really don’t know how to go on. I could say that like before, the breathing is hard, but that would be a lie. I am breathing just fine, the little piece that was left of my heart is gone and I can mentally see a hole instead of it. It is actually not painful at all. The walls are not shrinking next to me, the ceiling is not getting closer. The world is just continuing its flow without me. Invaded by the overwhelming job responsibilities, the tears rolled down again. Before I was so vain to say that there IS an off switch to the feelings, not even understanding what this off switch would feel like. I guess that is it. No more waiting with excitement for that text or that call or that meeting or that day. Life just goes on and I go on with it. I don’t feel anything for the person I thought I had a tiny spark for. The second I made the spark disappear into the darkness I understood that darkness is all around and people just try to make fires to protect themselves from the unknown. What if I am done making fires and not afraid of the darkness anymore? I am lucky if sometimes I feel scared of the unknown, it is a natural feeling that I still get. I am lucky.