Durerea e cel mai de preț carburant. Te doboară ca să te facă să te ridici de zeci de ori mai puternic. Disperarea îți umple ochii cu lacrimi și inima cu pietre, dar îți îndesește aripile pe spate. Neputința îți cutremură sufletul dar de fiecare dată e tot mai puțin, și aștepți ca într-o zi totul să fie diferit, ceva dureros să se întâmple, iar tu să rămâi neclintit ca o stanp de piatră pentru că de fiecare dată când durerea te dobora, tu deveneai mai tare, mai puternic, mai împietrit. Odată și odată durerea nu vai mai fi dușmanul și nici prietenul tău, nu o vei mai ști pe nume, va fi doar ceva ce ai cunoscut demult și ai trecut peste. Vei deveni stana de piatră care toți te cred acum, dacă oamenii așa cred, de ce ai lupta să le demostrezi contrariul, lucrează ca să devii cea mai bună versiune a pietrii, neclintită, fără sentimente, fără remușcări.
We say that we are hurting the same way, but the truth is that we are happy the same way and we are hurting all in our own painful way. Some of us go to howl to the moon once in a while, some scream, shout, break things, throw things, some don’t say a word or shed a tear, some clench their teeth and try to get over it with their head held high. It is true that pain is accompanying us from the day we are born and till the day we die. Sometimes we are numb and don’t feel a thing and other times all the things we didn’t want to fell come crushing us all at once-we are prisoners of our own minds.
Tu știi că durerea nu se măsoară la kilogram , iar încrederea în centimetri. Dar odată înjghebată, durerea te apasă cu o greutate mare, te înnădușă, până nu mai ai putere să respiri. Totul ce odată părea corect este greșit, îți dai seama cât de greșit și cât ai greșit tu. Apucând-o pe un drum lăturalnic ai mereu tentativa să te pierzi în pădure. Încrederea pierdută te atacă de după copac ca un cuțit ce se înfige adânc în spate și te lasă fără grai. Vârful cuțitului era veninos, iar veninul îți curge deja prin vine. Ești nevoit să hoinărești prin pădure murind. Numai cei mai puternici dintre noi pot scoate cuțitul care a ajuns deja la inimă și se pot întoarce pe drumul cel drept. Aceasta se întâmplă cu condiția ca să nu mai pășească strâmb și nici să aibă încredere în cineva. Astfel, înveninați de înșelăciune, ei revin pe drum și se protejează de influențe străine, pentru ca odată salvați de fluxul sangvin puternic și abilitatea corpului și sufletului să elimine toxinele, să lase pe cineva din nou să îi amăgească, ducându-i spre pădure.
Am trecut deja de vârsta când credeam că dragostea e totul sau nimic, sau că poți apăsa pe un butonaș și să stingi sentimentele. Toate tentațiile sunt spiritele din interiorul nostru care încearcă să se agate de lumina sufletească, iar odată izbutind acestea fac loc întunericului. Deci hai să fim mai puternici decât bezna. Să revenim pe drumul cel drept și să ne debarasăm de veninul rănilor trecute, însă să nu uităm niciodatä ce am trait și pe cei care ne-au înjunghiat pe la spate.
It is hard. And every day I feel more and more under the pressure. It was a tough weekend. The tears have been rolling from my eyes with a powerful speed and intensity. And that is when you understand that not people break your heart but they create situations that break it for them. It is hard to smile and pretend like everything is fine. Now I need more time to get out of the bed in the morning and every time I think about it or you… I cry. I feel a daunting pain in my chest. It is hard to focus but I have to. Soon it will all be over and I will hurt as much as I do now. Maybe even more. But with time I hope to forget it and you. Even though the cut in my heart will never go away, I hope you will take shelter in the back of my mind and I will rarely remember these painful days.
My dear love,
Every day without you is a bit harder than the last one, but life taught me that there is no way back and if we find our way to each other, we will. Today I saw you, talked to you and it made my day brighter. You knew all the right words and you did let me down easy, as always. The lack of your feelings to me is known to me and the existence of my feelings to you is unknown to you. All the other people seem blurry next to you. I keep telling myself and you that once i know someone doesn’t like me, I move on. But maybe it is because of your blue eyes or everything you tell me, I cannot let go of the thought of you. It comes to me more vivid when I look into your eyes. I can live my day without thinking of you, because my mind acknowledges the lack of future for us, but when I see you, you charm me, sweep me of my feet. Sometimes you make me angry and bitter, but all I can think about is that I fell too fast for this man. You are obviously a person that needs more time to fall in love or maybe I am just not the right one. I would like to let you go, so I will keep writing you this letters until I free myself from you.
I wish I never met you. You came into my life as fast as lightning and disappeared like a shooting star on a clear night. You touched me deeply, touched my soul and brought out some feelings that were long forgotten. It is amazing how a stranger can have such a big impact on someone’s life. When I am with you, my heart skips a beat and the thought of not seeing you everyday makes my chest shrink. I wish there was something I could do about it. And as much as I would like to think that I am over you, I am not. Because you are one of the rare kind of people that triggered something in me. Why can’t I tell you that right now when I hear your steps outside my door? I feel like you just have eyes for someone else and you don’t see how much I will miss you when you are gone, and it kills me to know that it is so soon. Sooner than I thought. Maybe this confession becomes more of a letter to you, telling you how I felt every moment I spent with you, telling you how much you mean to me and that I will never forget your eyes, your smile or your jokes. You were not only a butter to my soul but also the engine to my mind. I wanted to be better, smarter, stronger, just to be there for you. Hurts me to know soon there will be no one to be there for. I do know a lot of great people but you had a spark none of them did. And you still do, but not for me. I would love to think that there is a part of you who cares about me more than just as a friend, at least that you would like to. But I shall keep my hopes to myself because the more I hope the more I hurt inside. Please let me down easily, I am a bit too broken to fall again, but I guess it is too late. All there is left is to clench my teeth and go on as if there is no pain. It is hard for me to smile when I look into your eyes because all I want to do is hug you and never let you go. And some might say there is nothing special about you, but you are to me. You brought my broken pieces back together and you will never know it. The thought of you made me smile to strangers without reason, and you will never know it. Even though I said I wish I never met you, I was lying, you made me happy without even knowing it, I think you glued me together and for that I am eternally grateful, because no matter how much I hurt now, I know that I am capable of love and I hope someday I will love someone as much as I managed to love you and make it last forever. So thank you.
There is a blue light blinking far away. No sign of life anywhere, just a plain blue light. Amazing how after dark some places seem deserted. What if they really are? There is no sign of life anywhere, there is no information about the year or the century. Is there even any humanity left? What is left of us? If anything it cannot be here. There are buildings all around and there is no light coming from any of the windows. The mush has grown over all of the walls and the mapple tree is blocking the sideview into the building. The cold plain blue light is still blinking every three seconds. No sound of birds or any other animals. There is no moon on the sky, just a couple of far away stars. It is interesting as it seems to be summer, the weather is nice, but the humidity is high. There is no information about the location either, so maybe during this time of year the animals are hiding here. The blue light is inviting and luring me towards it. I start walking. But suddenly there is a movement on the right side, in the bushes… (To be continued)